sixteen candles March 6, 2008

one of my favorite movies, sixteen candles, was on last night. i made alicia watch it with me. i love jake ryan. i wish he would pick me up after my sister’s wedding in his porsche, then take me home so we could eat cake and make out on a glass table top. that is my idea of heaven…no, seriously. *sigh*. jake! jake!

i also really love the scene in moonstruck where nicolas cage knocks over the table and then pretty much just rips cher’s clothes off. actually, i kind of love every scene in that movie, especially the opera sequence. too bad i live in VT and there is no opportunity (nor man) for me to get all dolled up for a night at the met.

man boobs are bad March 4, 2008

i hate man boobs. and even a skinny dude can have em’. man boobs, by my own definition, are when dudes have A) boobs like a woman’s (this generally occurs with the overweight male variety), or B) flaccid nipples that are large and point up towards the sky, making a dude’s shirt stick out. oftentimes, these flaccid nipples are covered in wispy little hairs that kind of make me want to puke. so. gross. i appreciate that there probably isn’t much one can do about type B man boobs…butchrist, put on a bra or something! or tape that shit down!

men March 4, 2008

as much as i hate to admit this, my favorite topic to dissect is, well, MEN. i especially like to talk about how stupid and emotionally crippled they can be. but sometimes i just like to shoot the shit about how cute they are. i feel that, after looking at thesehottie pics of mr. bale, i need to say nice things about the opposite sex today. here, a list of my favorite things about dudes:

scruff – i love it! i require it! the more beard, the better (unless you start to look amish); big hands, maybe a little rough, like they do lots of hammering or something; weird eyebrow patterns, but NO significant unibrows…a few stray hairs are okay, but if you groom your eyebrows…that’s just weird; deep voices – has anyone ever heard david beckham speak? so girly, it’s a shame; height – i’m sorry, i’m a shorty, but i just can’t get on board with short dudes…take steroids or something, i need you to be at least 5′9″ (unless your name is paul, in which case, i’ll take you whatever way so long as i can see you nekkid); when men hold doors open for you – this should be a no-brainer for them, but it isn’t, sadly; when they put their hand on the small of your back – similar in many ways to the ass-grab, but way more respectful; when they offer to PAY -i’m poor, yo, help me out!; funny guys…i’m slowly learning this is way more important than the hotness factor, although, LET’S FACE IT. I’M STILL SHALLOW; t-shirts on guys…they don’t have boobs, a t-shirt will lay better on them….and that reminds me….NO MAN BOOBS.  golly, all i can think about are things i don’t like. i may need to post again…

for kit kat March 4, 2008

look! it’s christian bale, pouring you champagne! he’s happy you’re feeling better, too!

because it’s town meeting day March 4, 2008

even though he can’t grow a real beard…i still luff him. *sigh*.

NOTE TO PROSPECTIVE SUITORS: THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO LOOK LIKE. don’t bother to shave, brush your hair, or even take a shower. the more homeless looking you appear, the more i will want to sleep with you.

bitterness March 3, 2008

i am feeling bitter today. i was initially quite pleased with the notice my blog was getting from my peeps, especially considering i haven’t told that many people that i even have a blog. but then i see blogs like “stuff that white people like” and i get super jealous!

first, they are dead-on with almost all of their observations. i am guilty of half the shit they write about it (i blame this on the fact that VT has turned me into a yuppie, albeit a slightly crunchy one) . second, the way they effortlessly blog about this funny shit is driving me insane! i am seething with jealousy at their popularity, hilarity, and all around calling out of white person douchebaggery.
please, loved ones, send me fodder for future blogs. i cannot be undone by this blog! i must thrive, compete, and kick ass!

by definition February 29, 2008

1.	ex-boyfriend
	1. He who must not be named, otherwise known as douche bag face. 2. He is the subject of conversation for an indefinite amount of time, but he’s not worth wasting your breath. 3. That guy whose stuff you keep finding and burning (except the jewerly). Kevin, Tim, Greg, Stephen, etc….

final thought of the day February 28, 2008

the VT roads are bullshit. why don’t my taxes pay for someone to plow my effing road? or the interstate, for that matter? driving was sketchy this morning, and even with my anti-lock brakes, i slid into the middle of an intersection, and started to seriously question why i felt the need to go into work today. i mean, 15 inches of snow overnight! and i had to climb into the car through the hatch again. and my rear windshield wiper died, mid-wipe.

but to show those of you not currently suffering in the VT tundra, i have posted a pic of what the road conditions are typically like below (this shot is from new year’s…note that the roads were much worse, and icy this morning, and yes, i took that pic while driving, whatever).

a summary of travel ruminations February 28, 2008

a final word on my life as a world traveler in terms of my departure…

i took the bus from cap hill to downtown, transferred at 2nd avenue, grabbed the 194. a very nice man (who i suspected was spanish, but was actually afghani) named, oddly, joe, struck up a conversation with me about the city, and left me feeling even more committed to moving across the country. he also invited me to his family’s restaurant once i settle in there. i like making new friends.

i get to the airport (joe missed his stop in all our chattiness, so he got off as well), and hopped on the elevator to the ticketing area to check my stupidly heavy bag (i checked, it weighed 30 pounds!). i struck up another conversation with a really nice man on his way to taipei. huh.

i checked my bags, and the poor service at the continental counter had me seriously questioning their attention to customer service and detail, and i said a quick prayer these imcompetents would not lose my luggage (and i’m pleased to report they didn’t). i entered the security area, took off my shoes and fleece, removed my laptop from my bag, and tossed it into a bin. next thing you know, i’m getting an ass-chewing from some bull dyke security bitch about putting stuff on top of my laptop. what did these fucks think, i had a bomb hidden in there or something (come on patriot act, strike me down right now)? and i don’t know what came over me, but i got mouthy back.

karma is a bitch, because i then got patted down. nice. plus, they went all through my bag (and i bet they were curious about what the hell that plunger-looking thing was…uh, that would be my diva cup, assholes). i walked through the airport swearing and cursing them under my breath after that. awesome.

i took the red eye to newark, and i didn’t sleep a wink. i did get to watch “dan in real life” for the second time, and “the jane austen book club” (i was disappointed). hung out at newark for a while, and then caught some propeller plane to VT. the stewardess, i’m sad to say, was some grumpy bitch with a harelip. she kept shooting me dirty looks for no apparent reason.

and this is why i don’t think i’ll be flying continental ever again

crazy cat lady forever! February 28, 2008

read this and weep, haters!

http://jezebel.com/361604/animal-magnetisms