by definition February 29, 2008

1.	ex-boyfriend
	1. He who must not be named, otherwise known as douche bag face. 2. He is the subject of conversation for an indefinite amount of time, but he’s not worth wasting your breath. 3. That guy whose stuff you keep finding and burning (except the jewerly). Kevin, Tim, Greg, Stephen, etc….

final thought of the day February 28, 2008

the VT roads are bullshit. why don’t my taxes pay for someone to plow my effing road? or the interstate, for that matter? driving was sketchy this morning, and even with my anti-lock brakes, i slid into the middle of an intersection, and started to seriously question why i felt the need to go into work today. i mean, 15 inches of snow overnight! and i had to climb into the car through the hatch again. and my rear windshield wiper died, mid-wipe.

but to show those of you not currently suffering in the VT tundra, i have posted a pic of what the road conditions are typically like below (this shot is from new year’s…note that the roads were much worse, and icy this morning, and yes, i took that pic while driving, whatever).

a summary of travel ruminations February 28, 2008

a final word on my life as a world traveler in terms of my departure…

i took the bus from cap hill to downtown, transferred at 2nd avenue, grabbed the 194. a very nice man (who i suspected was spanish, but was actually afghani) named, oddly, joe, struck up a conversation with me about the city, and left me feeling even more committed to moving across the country. he also invited me to his family’s restaurant once i settle in there. i like making new friends.

i get to the airport (joe missed his stop in all our chattiness, so he got off as well), and hopped on the elevator to the ticketing area to check my stupidly heavy bag (i checked, it weighed 30 pounds!). i struck up another conversation with a really nice man on his way to taipei. huh.

i checked my bags, and the poor service at the continental counter had me seriously questioning their attention to customer service and detail, and i said a quick prayer these imcompetents would not lose my luggage (and i’m pleased to report they didn’t). i entered the security area, took off my shoes and fleece, removed my laptop from my bag, and tossed it into a bin. next thing you know, i’m getting an ass-chewing from some bull dyke security bitch about putting stuff on top of my laptop. what did these fucks think, i had a bomb hidden in there or something (come on patriot act, strike me down right now)? and i don’t know what came over me, but i got mouthy back.

karma is a bitch, because i then got patted down. nice. plus, they went all through my bag (and i bet they were curious about what the hell that plunger-looking thing was…uh, that would be my diva cup, assholes). i walked through the airport swearing and cursing them under my breath after that. awesome.

i took the red eye to newark, and i didn’t sleep a wink. i did get to watch “dan in real life” for the second time, and “the jane austen book club” (i was disappointed). hung out at newark for a while, and then caught some propeller plane to VT. the stewardess, i’m sad to say, was some grumpy bitch with a harelip. she kept shooting me dirty looks for no apparent reason.

and this is why i don’t think i’ll be flying continental ever again

crazy cat lady forever! February 28, 2008

read this and weep, haters!

http://jezebel.com/361604/animal-magnetisms

bridezillas February 28, 2008

i love me some www.jezebel.com! i just read a very fabulous blog posting about weddings, and what a crock of shit the big fancy ones are, and how our culture has created and celebrates the “bridezilla” mentality. here’s the link:

http://jezebel.com/361568/what-does-the-perfect-bride-look-like

speaking as someone who got suckered into being a bridemaid for TWO out-of-state weddings last year, take it from me: nothing blows so hard as paying for someone else’s dream. and i’m sorry, but shelling out $200+ for a dress that no longer fits (and didn’t even fit at the wedding, truth be told – it was falling off it was so big up top, and i looked like a porn star) really chaps my ass.

ladies, i love you. and thank you for thinking you want me in your wedding. but please, don’t ever put me through that kind of poverty-inducing torture ever again. although, as the one out-of-state bridesmaid, i was pretty much off the hook for any organizing (the thing i would actually have been good at), and instead just showed up and put on make-up, although i  still don’t know how i managed to get out of wearing lipstick both times. in any case, don’t do it to me! i have no respect for the institution of marriage, and the only thing i’m there for is the open bar.

*side note: in the one wedding, i totally had to starve myself to fit into my dress, and i still looked like a little red sausage. at the wedding, which was super swanky and actually quite beautiful, i pigged out. the dress got tighter and tighter over the course of the evening, until it got so bad, i had to escape to the bathroom and have my ex unzip me so i could breathe. yikes.

seattle, part trois February 28, 2008

so, for those of you keeping up with and interested in my travels….here’s the dilly.

i spent the vast majority of my time in seattle strolling around the city, searching for hotties. no, i’m joking (although i am always open to hot-man-spotting…alas, most of the men i saw were clean shaven with nary a pair of carharrts in sight! wtf?). i did spend lots of time just walking around, trying to figure out whether i liked it or not (verdict is in: i’m headed out for good this summer).

i ate lots of tater tots, and other fried tastiness, all of which conspired to make me feel like shit. my addiction to onion rings one night led to my downfall, and i headed home (read: rushed home via taxi to get to the bathroom before a very bad accident occurred) before i ever got the chance to propose marriage to the sexy bartender at king’s in ballard.

i went to sephora for the first and second time in my life. inneresting. the lighting in that joint is purposely shitty, so that when you look at yourself in the mirror, the hideousness looking back at you makes you think you need to buy more makeup (duh) to cover it all up. sadly, i did look that bad, as a horrible case of ACNE rendered me nasty to myself and all those around me.

i also decided that it was time for me to adopt a fragrance, a signature scent (kit-kat wears anna sui and inspired me). i can’t stink like patchouli forever. after much debate, i settled on escape (for men) by calvin klein. the ladies stuff smelled like ass, and now i smell so good! i spray a little on my stinky underarms to mask the fact my deodorant barely works and the body hair i cultivate increases my chance of stench.

all in all, it was a good trip!

a note to my fans February 28, 2008

alright bitches, i’m posting again.

my internet got effed up while i was kickin’ it west coast style, so i’ve been remiss in my blogging. but not to worry! i am back, and continuing to blog about inappropriate topics.

xoxo. lalaliz

must-listen songs February 28, 2008

a few of my fave songs right now:

maybe not, by cat power – it’s a purty song and i like to hum it

you oughta know, by alanis morrisette – this song allows all my latent anger with the ex to surface, and i fill with self-righteous indignation and wish i could cut off his balls. and then once the song ends, i go back to my usual feelings of apathy.

listener supported, by michael franti – because he’s tall, looks like he’d be good in bed, and his music makes me want to shake my ass at times

breakable, by ingrid michaelson – her songs are also quite purty and catchy

danke schoen, by wayne newton – because i can’t get enough of wayne, ever

the entire soundtrack to “the lost boys” – because a fabulously campy 80s movie about vampires with kiefer sutherland, jason patric, and the two coreys can’t be anything but awesome. also because there was a song playing during the one and only sex scene that i loved so much, i bought the whole album

my immaculate conception February 28, 2008

perhaps it’s just me…but does anyone else ever start to think, after experiencing a late menstrual cycle, that maybe they are carrying the reincarnated christ child? you see, the odds of me actually being preggers are about 0000000%. and yet aunt flow has not yet arrived. what else am i to suspect, but that god has chosen me and my womb to bear his child?

i mean really, i’m not surprised. i have impeccable fashion sense (if sloppy is fashionable), cutting wit (see this blog for more details), and glorious flowing locks (the fact i’m afraid of female pattern baldness – altho’ i don’t have a family history of it, notwithstanding) makes me the inevitable candidate in the womb olympics.

by definition February 21, 2008

	THIS is what i did today… 7. pricking around Irish slang Wandering about aimlessly / spending time unproductively. What did you get up to in town yesterday? Ah, nothing much, was just pricking around.